Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Randomize
