I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
His nipple licking is glorious
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