New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
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