My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
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