I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
