i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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