Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Randomize
