I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Randomize
