I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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