I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Randomize
