I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
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