Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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