I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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