I don't usually arrange sex via text message
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
