First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
