ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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