Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
