I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize
