If I go to jail what happens to my debt?
You dont have to pay it.
I'm going to jail.
Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Randomize
