areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
