you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
