Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
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