His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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