So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Randomize
