final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
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