Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Come share oat with me in your robe
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
