Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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