i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
