Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
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