I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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