Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
