So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Randomize
