Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
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