I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
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