I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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