Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
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