Midget sex pt 2 tonight
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Randomize