I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
