I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
My vagina just recognized that song.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Randomize