headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
Mom said you looked used
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
