Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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