We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
But he was like 75 and lives right near mom and dad. Not a threat at all.
The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
