the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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