Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize