life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
We talked him into tasing himself.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
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