I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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