She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Randomize
