Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
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