I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
