We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
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