i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Randomize
