He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
