I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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