I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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