woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Are my feet made of real feet?
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
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