We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Randomize
