Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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