I hope mine doesn't look like that
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
