Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
