Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Randomize
